A is for Apple – this is one of the first things kids learn when they start school. The humble apple, however, makes a more auspicious introduction in the book of Genesis, when Adam and Eve - the first humans on earth, forfeited a life of eternal paradise in the Garden of Eden by disobeying Gods order and snacking on the forbidden fruit from the tree of knowledge.
The Latin word ‘malum’ denotes both evil and apple. I think Apple computer is an allegory of Adam and Eve and their mortal temptation. The founders of Apple computer Co. – StEve Jobs and StEve Wosniak – produced fruits in the form of personal computers. Cultivated from their own tree of knowledge, Apple PC’s would go on to incite lust and desire from weak willed minions the world over. Fittingly, a stylised image of an apple with a byte taken out of is the symbol that unites this legion of devout followers.
I haven’t posted an entry for several months now, not because of a lack of interest; rather I’ve been busy conducting an undercover sting into the Cult of Mac. Under the banner of Macintosh and in more recent times – iPod – Apple has reached a tipping point in its recruitment numbers. Once a harmless minority, Apple, through charismatic leadership and mind manipulation techniques have amassed waves of new supporters. Duped by bogus promises of individualism and creative freedom, newly inducted subjects invariably help contribute in forwarding the leadership’s totalitarian agenda for an Arian race of computer hardware and software.
Infiltrating the cult of Mac involved conducting extensive research into the history of Apple; scouring various media archives and reading “Revolution in the Valley�? in order to gain the background knowledge to pass off as a convincing supporter.
NeXT Step was to create the impression of being a life long Apple aficionado, and what better way to do this than taking ownership of an old Mac. Yep, eBay proved to be invaluable in this task, allowing me to score a 1989 model Mac Plus (in the same mould as the original 1984 128K Mac, but with 1Mb of RAM!) and various other apple paraphernalia (key rings, mouse mats, stickers etc). I received much ridicule from friends and family members over these expenditures, but I gleefully shouldered their scorn in knowledge of the higher purpose.
Only one thing remained to cement my fake allegiance, and that was to actually own a current Mac. It was a toss up between the Mac Mini and the iBook, but I opted for the iBook for its portability – allowing me to display my loyalty wherever I take it. Knowing of Apples long time support for the educational market, I cunningly purchased my iBook through the student portal of the Apple online store and was able to save a packet. And, as if a sign of approval from the Apple powers that be, a few weeks later a battery recall was issued on certain production run of iBooks and Powerbooks, which mine was a part of. The recall was in response to isolated cases of batteries overheating, possibly resulting in fire and death…BAH, just a hyper sensitive, knee jerk response to the clumsiness of a few negligent users I thought. Yep, I decided to keep my supposedly defective battery with the intention of also sending out for a replacement one… bonus!
But I digress. My crusade to unmask Apple as a malevolent entity has been a psychological and financially draining experience, the findings of which I will now present.
Throughout its nearly 30-year history, Apple has had various attempts at world domination. The original Apple PC and Macintosh computers captured the hearts and minds of millions, but through a series of bad decisions and the exile of their charismatic leader, the company failed to follow through on its initial success.
In the mid nineties, Apple mandated thought reform through its Think Different campaign. A series of billboard, magazine and TV ads went out calling on the most vulnerable members of society: the misfits, the rebels, the trouble makers - those who were looking for an escape from the humdrum of life. Apple reached out to these rejects and offered them a way out.
Apple at the time also preached to the vast majority of windows users through its Switch commercials. With glazed eyes and hyperactive hand gestures, glowing testimonials were extracted from converted celebrities and common folk in an attempt to convey the virtues of Mac. Both campaigns worked to varying success, but it took the return of the company’s visionary leader from years of exile to really capture everyone’s attention again.
Banished in the late eighties due to irreconcilable differences with the Apple board, Steve Jobs made a triumphant return a decade later as interim CEO (iCEO), bringing along new found skills gained from years in the wilderness and a heightened sense of energy and creativity that would rejuvenate the ailing company.
On receiving his tenure, Jobs immediately set out to work, introducing a slew of products imbued with the aesthetics and attention to detail that Apple are renowned for. The result would be a string of hits: iMac, iBook, OS X, titanium Powerbook, iLife and finally one of their greatest ever achievements - iPod.
Despite the iPods look at me design and capacious storage; Apple has lulled millions into forfeiting their hard earned cash for this insidious device. Once taken by the hypnotic TV ads of nimble silhouettes dancing to throw away hit tunes, victims are conditioned to blindly head off to their nearest authorised Apple reseller to choose from a variety of iPod models that all feature non replaceable batteries, tinny headphones and digital rights managed iTunes (you’re restricted in the ways you can use your own iTMS purchased music). The most alarming feature of the iPod however, is the subliminal message it emits over an inaudible frequency range. I have yet to ascertain the actual contents of this message, but I’m sure it’s full of evil propaganda, and I’d urge all iPod listeners to limit their exposure to this subconscious mind control by wearing protective tin foil hats.
A shroud of secrecy surrounds the inner sanctum of the cult of Mac. The higher order exploit members psychologically and financially by imbuing a sense of belittlement to those who do not have the latest and greatest aluminium encrusted Apple hardware or who do not comply to the 12 month major OS upgrade cycles.
Other types of psychological manipulation include the instilling of deep-seated anxious dependency on yet to be released hardware and software (I wonder what feline reference they’ll give to OS X 10.5? And does Apple plan to revive the Newton? I need to know… now.)
Further evidence of abuse can be witnessed in the way the cult faithful clamour for places to annual Mac World and WWDC conventions. Entrance to these events is so hotly contested that members would give up their first born just for the chance to share a room with their messiah, Steve Jobs.
Dressed in his trademark blue jeans and black turtleneck cardigan, whenever he takes to the pulpit, Steve Jobs exudes an indistinguishable quality above and beyond intelligence and dedication that galvanises the Mac faithful and cause technologists and investors to swoon. One must exercise extreme caution when in the presence of Jobs, as his effervescent enthusiasm and disarming charisma has the ability to sway even the most stoic bystander to his evil cause.
Personal accounts from rare defectors to the cult of Mac have emerged to reveal Jobs as a highly-strung and emotionally charged individual. His relentless pursuit for engineering excellence and design perfection have helped create Apples much-revered products, yet his intensity in driving these qualities sometimes spill over into arrogance and egotism, which in the past has led to his own people turning against him. A recently released publication entitled “iCon�?, paints a warts-and-all picture of Jobs, much to his chagrin, that the title has been black listed by Apple insiders.
The spectre of Mac is at hand. With steady momentum, Apple continues to capture both mind and market share in the industry. Windows and Linux users must remain steadfast and resist any temptation by Serpent Steve Jobs and his forbidden fruits: the lyrical stylings of iPod, the aluminium svelte of powerbook, the colossal G5s, all encompassing iLife and the feline grace of OS X — these apples are rotten to the core.
